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Well, it's official, in case we hadn't all figured it out already: the South Park fixation has gestated into a full-blown, single-minded obsession, in the time-honored tradition devised and upheld by socially inept nerds everywhere. I've been having these since I was just a wee young thing. It's reached the point where I catalogue significant points in my life based on what I was obsessed with at the time they happened.

I always kind of feel like I'm not getting enough of a fix from things like this, and that some element is missing from the experience, and I realized that the reason I always feel that way is because I never have anyone to share it with. That's why I think of the John Waters thing from last year as having been somehow different from most shit like this, because I was talking to Dan all the time, and he knew all about John Waters, and so I could talk to him about it without feeling like I was just babbling annoyingly to someone who didn't give a shit. And of course that thought would be incomplete without the obligatory, self-deprecating disclaimer that I probably was just being annoying, and he probably didn't really give a shit, and boy am I ever a fucking turd for even thinking that I'm worthy of any other human being's company, ever. Bad, bad, bad Devon.

I've actually been kind of thinking about that shit again lately because of some other, indirect shit that was going on, and you know what? I slept for, like, three hours last night, and I'm really fucking tired and dehydrated right now, so that means that I'm going to write way more about it than I should in a public forum, especially considering that anything I say right now is unlikely to make a lick of sense. Basically, I realized the other day that my views on this whole shit where I had the crush on the boy have done a complete turnaround since last year, and that really the whole thing was silly. And I'm not saying that in the way that I've pretty much been saying it since I first started writing about this shit, where what I really mean is that it's really, really, really important to me, but that the only reason it's important to me is because I'm stupid. I mean I just seriously have been looking back on it and going, "Jesus Christ, that sure was fucking stupid, wasn't it?" in this kind of vaguely surprised, mainly indifferent way. It's not like I'm embarrassed by how stupid it was or anything, in fact I'm kind of glad it happened, because I changed a lot as a result, and I think most of those changes were probably for the better. I just think about it now and it's kind of humorous that I would take him so seriously, and take the whole situation so seriously, especially with the crazy pipe dreams I was having about hooking up with him and a bunch of other wackos and becoming the real-life version of the Sprocketholes from Cecil B. DeMented.

But I'm not even doing this in a bad way, though. Seriously. I know it sounds like I'm just crapping on myself as usual, but I really think about this and it makes me giggle, and I feel silly, but it's in a kind of relaxing, liberating way. Like, hey, I was a naive teenage girl who got way too wrapped up in a crush. How fucking cute. There's no more of that humiliated, pissed-off, betrayed feeling, and I'm not stuck in a rut anymore where every time I think about him, I just start mentally beating the shit out of myself over all the different things I did that might possibly have fucked it up.

But yeah, whatever. He was my friend. I don't believe that's too strong a statement to realistically describe it. I got a jolt out of talking to him, and we liked the same shit, and it was fun, and it made me feel better about myself for awhile, having someone who I thought was so cool appear to be interested in whatever the fuck I was talking about. Even later, when I got so upset, it didn't entirely negate those feelings. Like I've said before, I just didn't feel like I had ever been formally introduced to the concept of myself as an interesting or attractive person, and I think that really, I had been waiting for a long time for someone to give me permission to see myself that way.

Okay, and now I'm actually trying to think of shit that I can add that would make it more of a "Whoops! Did I really write that?" entry.

Yeah, I don't know. I just kind of wish I would get obsessed with things when everyone else was obsessed with them, instead of waiting until the last minute when everyone else had already gotten over it, because then maybe I could ramble about South Park to someone without sounding like a total douche. Which I actually would anyway, because I'm already so invested in the characters on that fucking show that my reactions to everything that ever happens to them are really overblown and retarded. Like I totally started crying when I watched "Kenny Dies" for the first time earlier today.

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